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Day of Friendship

Every 30 July is the International Day of Friendship. Designated by the United Nations it encourages governments, communities, organisations and individuals to celebrate the friendships that we have. The idea is to focus on reconciliation, bridging understanding, finding consensus and taking comfort in those friendships in our lives.

The world at the moment seems a place full of division, intolerance and hostility. With so much discrimination, miscommunication, distrust and discord there is a real need to cherish the friendships we have and strive to form new ones. Both individually and as a society or organisation.

So what is a true friend? Well there is no one answer really. In some cultures friendship is restricted to a small number of people with whom you have a strong, close relationship. In other cultures a more Facebook like approach is common with people having dozens if not hundreds of friends. There is no right or wrong answer. Friendships are often spawned from common interests or circumstances – same school / college, neighbourhood, workplace, antenatal groups, etc.

As Henri Nouwen (Dutch Priest, Writer and Theologian) put it, “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand”.

Friends are important as they help you to enjoy the good times and also provide help, solace and support in the bad times. They also help to stave off loneliness and isolation as well as give us a sense of belonging. And you need this support in all parts of your life. So you need a best friend at work as well as in your social circle.

So this Day of Friendship why not do something special. Perhaps rekindle a friendship you have neglected. Or resolve to make a new friend by attending a community group or class or just start a conversation with someone. It’s also a time to reflect on the friendships you have and what sort of friend you are. Be the sort of friend you would want and you will soon have great friendships.

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Samaritans

24 July (24/7) is Samaritans Awareness Day. The date refers to them being there 24 hours a day, seven days a week. As part of this, the ‘Talk to Us’ awareness campaign runs to remind people who the Samaritans are and what they do. Samaritans is a UK and Ireland based charity aimed at providing support to anyone in emotional distress, struggling to cope or at risk of suicide. This is usually done through their telephone helpline, but you can also email and write (snail mail) to them. Their name derives from the biblical Parable of the Good Samaritan although the organisation is non-religious.

The Samaritans are a valuable organisation and one that deserves our help and support. It is estimated that every ten seconds Samaritans responds to a call for help. In 2021, for example, around 22,000 people volunteered their time to Samaritans, 20,000 trained listening volunteers responded to calls for help and around 2,500 volunteers supported the running of more than 200 branches and locations across the UK and Ireland.

There service is available around the clock for anyone who is struggling or who needs someone to listen without judgement or pressure. This supports is an important aspect of changing the culture of being able to discuss mental health more openly. As Luke Richardson (Canadian Ice Hockey Coach) said, “We need to change the culture of this topic and make it OK to speak about mental health and suicide”.

Although they are there at the point of crisis, they also offer support and encouragement before an issue turns into a crisis. They operate in prisons, schools, hospitals and on the train network. They help people who are going through a difficult time but also train others who may come into contact with vulnerable people to do the same.

Every suicide is a tragedy and reaches far beyond the person who dies. It will affect their family and friends who are often left confused and wondering if they could have done more. The Samaritans ultimate mission is to minimise and prevent suicide. I think Gerard Way (American Singer and Comic Book Writer) puts it very well, “Suicide is a serious thing. And if you know anyone who is suicidal, you need to get them help. No one should be in pain. Everyone should love themselves”.

If you want to contact them it’s free to call them from a landline or from mobiles. The number is slightly unusual, but is absolutely free. You don’t need to have any credit or call allowance. Simply call 116 123 or email them on jo@samaritans.org 

They will listen to you and help you talk through your concerns, worries and troubles. They will focus on your thoughts and feelings and may ask questions to help you explore the problem and how you feel. They offer a safe place for you to talk any time you like and in your own way. They won’t judge you or tell you what to do, but they will listen to you.

If you or someone you know is struggling then getting help is the best thing you can do. Samaritans are available to help as well as other sources of help and support.

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Knowing

Recognising what you know and don’t know can be hard. You have to know a little about something in order to know what you don’t know. While we strive for honest self-appraisal, human nature can lead us to a faulty assessment.

The Dunning – Kruger effect is a cognitive bias whereby people with low ability overestimate their ability. Researchers have also discovered the opposite effect whereby high performers have a tendency to underestimate their skills. And this is something that Charles Darwin (English Naturalist, Geologist and Biologist) observed, “Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science.”

There are four broad stages of getting to know a subject. Firstly, there is unconscious incompetence. Basically, you don’t understand or know how to do something and you may not necessarily realise there is a deficit in knowledge.  This may be because you are unaware of the subject or you have no interesting in learning about it. Question: Can you drive a car? Answer: What is a car? Or, you have no interesting in knowing how to drive a car.

Once you decide to learn about something you start to enter the conscious incompetence stage. Here you are not knowledgeable about the subject, but you do realise the subject exists, are motivated to find out more and have some idea how much there is to learn. Trial and error and mistake making is often a key part of leaning in this stage. You have decided to learn to drive a car.

Now you move into conscious competence. You can do the task or have knowledge but you are not an expert. Perhaps you can carry out the task but only with great concentration or exertion when doing so. You can drive a car, you are not experienced or you are not confident.

Lastly, there is unconscious competence. The task or skill is “second nature” and can be accomplished with little thought. Also you may be able to teacher the task or skill to others. You can drive a car with little thought or effort.

And now a little treat for you and the inspiration for the research that defined the Dunning – Kruger effect. On April 19, 1995, a man robbed two banks in Pittsburgh in broad daylight without a mask or disguise. Security cameras easily picked up good images of his face and Police made sure the footage was broadcast on the local news. A tip quickly came in and the Police were soon knocking on the suspect’s door in McKeesport. Identified as McArthur Wheeler, he was incredulous, reportedly saying, “But I wore the juice.”

Wheeler went on to tell the Police he rubbed lemon juice on his face to make it invisible to security cameras. He knew that lemon juice is used as an invisible ink. And so, he concluded that lemon juice would make his face invisible. He apparently even tested this theory before the robberies by putting lemon juice on his face and snapping a selfie with a Polaroid (instant) camera. And there was no face in the photo. Police never figured out how that happened. Perhaps Wheeler was as good as a photographer as he was as a bank robber. It also proves the proverb ‘A little knowledge is a dangerous thing’.

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Narcissists

I wrote recently about toxic relationships and how to recognise a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one. It’s my view that any form of physical abuse in a relationship is unacceptable. But emotional abuse is more subtle and those who perpetrate it can be devious and deceptive.  The first type of personality disorder I would like to explore is narcissism.

So, how would you know if you were in a relationship with a narcissist? Well if you have a cat or a small child you definitely have a narcissist in your life. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder characterised by a pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance and entitlement, a strong need for admiration, an inability to empathise with and appreciate the feelings of others and being exploitive of others. 

So, what do you do if you have a narcissist in your life? Well if you can remove them from your life or limit the contact you have with them that might be the answer. But this is not always possible, they may be your boss or a relative. So, there are several strategies that you can try. In my experience the most effective approach is to set and maintain boundaries as to what you regard as reasonable and permissible behaviour. Effectively, this informs them what we will and won’t accept. If they cross those lines we will keep our distance from them and not engage.

Narcissistic traits develops as a result of great insecurity or trauma in a person’s life often in childhood. This makes them repeat self-centred patterns of behaviour that mirror how a child seeks attention from a parent. This then arrests their ability to psychologically develop and mature fully as an adult. Because of this, understanding and compassion can be an effect strategy as can help to meet their unfulfilled needs. 

Narcissists will often try to bait you to get an emotional respond. This may involve them over reacting or reacting inappropriately to a situation. They may try to reframe a situation to be about them. They can also manipulate situations and others to create an environment where you feel compelled to respond. Recognising this allows you to stop being drawn into their games. Responding will likely encourage them as they are getting the response they wanted.

Being well informed about narcissism can help us to recognise their behaviours and manipulations. Believe in you right to be happy and stand up for your right to be respected and treated with compassion. Also, having a good support network who you can share your experiences and frustrations with can be very valuable. 

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I Forgot

I Forgot Day is celebrated each year, if we can remember, on July 2. It is dedicated to forgetfulness and making amends for any past forgotten anniversaries or tasks. Do you forget important dates, occasions, or tasks? If so, fear not, I hope to set out some useful ideas and facts about memory and forgetfulness.

Do you worry about your memory? I know I do. Every time I forget something I worry it might be Alzheimer’s disease or dementia. So what level of forgetfulness is normal? Well, as we age some degree of forgetfulness is normal. However, you should seek expert medical help if you notice significant changes in your memory. Especially so, if accompanied by other symptoms such as problems with planning or problem solving, difficulty with words and visual relationships of things or mood changes. Put simply, forgetting where you put your car keys is a sign of normal forgetfulness or being disorganised. Forgetting you own a car or that you need keys to operate one is not a normal memory problem.

So if it’s not something more serious, what causes forgetfulness? Factors such as a sedentary lifestyle, poor diet, a lack of sleep, stress and anxiety can all increase forgetfulness. Also, it’s thought that walking through a door can cause forgetfulness. Yes, really. This is because the brain interprets the world as a series of scenes. Going through a door appears to signal to the brain that the scene is over and the information from it is now unnecessary.

Some addictions, such as alcoholism, can cause long and short term memory problems. Matthew Perry (US Actor and Star of Friends) recalled in a BBC interview, “I was suffering from alcoholism. I don’t remember three years of it. I was a little out of it at the time — somewhere between seasons three and six.”

What can you do if you struggle to remember things? Well, firstly, get organised – set reminders on your phone or PC, make lists, etc. If you have an ‘I must remember to…’ moment do the task immediately or set a reminder for it because you will likely not remember to do it. When it comes to things that move around, like keys, when not in use always put them in the same place. Then sleep and eat well and do something each day to exercise your mind – a crossword, Wordle, etc. Do all you can to protect your memory because as Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (Russian Novelist) said, “Own only what you can always carry with you: know languages, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag”.

Many of the causes of forgetfulness, such as stress, anxiety and addiction, can be treated with hypnotherapy. So, if you feel it could help you then get in touch.